This evening I sat down at my computer to work on my extensive to-do list and get some reading in before bed, but I felt compelled to ignore everything and write. And not just write about anything, but to write about my divorce and relationships. I’ll be honest with you, I am terrified to finally share this with the world. I’m terrified of judgement. I’m terrified of being an open book. I’m terrified of the closure I know writing brings me. But despite this experience being the hardest decision I’ve ever made in my life, I know everything will be okay.
We’ve been apart for two years now, and up until three months ago, I was still in denial. I am going to skip the details of the divorce, because that is not what this story is all about. Everyone has heard the same stories repeat and nothing positive comes from rehashing, it comes from learning and moving forward. Anyway I’m sure you’ve heard the old adage “there is your side, my side, and the truth”. The point is the blame game is old and irrelevant, but the journey toward healing is powerful.
Fear is the biggest thing that held me back from permanently moving on with my life. Fear that I was making the wrong decision. Fear that no one would accept me for who I am. Fear that my daughter’s father would never coparent with me. Fear that my family would be disappointed in me. Fear that my daughter would never understand. Fear that I would never love again or be loved. I let fear control my life until I woke up one day and realized I already made my decision and all I could do was practice facing those fears each day with strong will. So I sought out advice, read books, and decided I would do everything in my power to be the best mom and person I could be.
One of my goals in life has always been to live up to my college’s motto “What starts here, changes the world” and to accomplish any change I first has to change myself, or more accurately find myself. In the past three months I have found my “tribe” and made lifelong friends just by using the 5-second rule. (No, not by eating food off the floor. I know what you’re thinking and you’re silly for thinking it.) It’s a rule made up by Mel Robbins, who gave a wonderful Ted Talk about it entitled “How to stop screwing yourself over.” Mel’s talk in a nutshell basically states that if you feel like doing something and you don’t do it within five seconds, you won’t do it. Go ahead, try it out the next time you feel like speaking with someone but pass on the moment. How about the next time you think about a friend and wonder how they are but don’t immediately take the time to check in on that person.
This one simple rule has had a profound effect on my life. I’ve met and bonded with some people who I never could have dreamed existed, and I call it finding my tribe. I find more time to do the things I used to love, like read and venture outdoors. I think more like my child, and act like one when we’re having fun. I act my full self around people I’ve just met, because I accept and love myself and if you don’t love me for me, it doesn’t affect me. I have found true happiness in a place I never really wanted to live, because I’ve learned that I can be me, and do me, anywhere. In short, in finding myself again, I have completely moved on and found closure. I’m alive!
***Big shout out to my tribe! You know who you are and you know I couldn’t have done this without your continued help and loads and loads of ears! Please know that I will do anything for you, ever, without hesitation because I love you all dearly! Thank you for being my friends!***